This is ME

Have you ever read someone else’s writing and thought…DO THEY KNOW ME?! or if they do know you do you ever think, ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME?!

I just read this blog and thought all of those thoughts.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am lately…and more, about the kind of person I want to be.  I’ve been asking myself questions of self inquiry and truly seeking out answers to how I can begin to transform my heart and head of lies to something much more beneficial for not only me, but for my community, my relationships.

I think the long and short of it is a couple things:

1.) I need to KNOW I’m loved and safe.  I try really hard to make sure that people in my life know that I love them…I spend time, I drive long distances for teas/coffees/dinners/hangouts/performances/etc, I make things, I buy things, and in return (and don’t get me wrong, I don’t do these things for a reciprocation of sorts) I have been encoruaged and loved well.  Sometimes though, it is so easy for me to feelings of inadequacy, feelings of doubt in myself and my abilities, feelings of isolation and rejection.  These feelings SUCK.  It’s not just that, but they suck because they affect so many people.  I’m still not 100% sure how to fight against the worst and most brutal lies and things that go through my head…but I want to.

2.) Ptbo has THE WORST radio station selection I think I’ve seen.  If you were to jump in my car right now it would be on 83.9 Life…that’s right, the christian station.  I switch back and forth between this station and the station that plays some top 40.  Needless to say, on my way home from placement today, I was listening to Chuck Swindoll (hard to believe…I know!) BUT he had something very intelligent to say…almost another moment of , ” Does this guy know me?!”.  He said we NEED to stop comparing ourselves to others becaues there is always going to be someone who is better than us and it’s a shitty world when we allow ourselves to feel better because we are “better” than the people that are weaker than us.
I haven’t really talked about this in a long time but I compare all the time…I compare myself to almost everyone in my life.  Not judging them necessarily, but more in a way of how much better they are than me.  Again, this has lead me to believe a lot of lies and believe that unless I can accomplish something or produce something or be a BETTER friend…no one will want me around.  No wonder I’m tired a lot!
Chuck went on to say that we need to be finding and resting in our identity in the one who created it.  Much easier said than done…but I realized that I had and have continued since MISSING the boat.  Unless I’m fully able to rest in my identity in Christ, nothing else will matter.  And when I AM resting and finding my identity in Christ, those comparisons and assessments of lies can be thrown out the door. 

It is my prayer this week, that I find myself in the one created me again, and again, and again, and again….
I know it’s going to take a lot of hard work to forget and do away with all the shit I’ve allowed myself to believe for so long…but I’m will to give it a try.


1 Comment

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One response to “This is ME

  1. Such an honest post you write here, and I love it. So glad you resonated with the post I wrote on (in)courage this week – it’s something I deal with so often. I’m so with you on knowing about the lies and struggling to fight them.

    Hope to see you around again soon!

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