The last few weeks have been a bit of a bumpy ride for me.
I’m honest here, because I feel like it’s necessary to be real in my own written-space and head space. A lovely woman in my life pretty much got it bang on, when I was re-counting to her my still broken heart and hurting feelings over the last few weeks. Sometimes, I would just be in random situations, crying, BALLING, and I had no idea why. OR-this makes me sick to my stomach-I was jealous of some of the BEST people in my life. She said to me that when we enter the healing process, often times our intellectual side (our brain) goes a lot faster than our emotional side (our hearts). I asked, “What do I do about that?”. Her answer: “Be patient and pray.”
My response, very ungraciously, was: “Ugggggh.”
Some days, I wake up and think “Wow world…I’m GREAT…flying high.” While lately, I just want to crawl up into a little ball and sleep until all the pain, heart ache, and misery are gone.
Ultimately I know, that doing such an act would NEVER get me to the places I want to go. So, I subscribe to the feeling in my heart, suck up my feelings, and continue on living. Which, I’m learning, can be the best thing to do.
I’ve also been challenged with the idea, of recognizing that I have more than enough. I have enough shelter, I have enough food, I have enough friends and family, I have more than enough love and encouragement, I have enough…in fact, I have a lot. But it’s okay to desire more from me and for me. It’s okay to dream, to think about what life can and will look like, and more than this, it’s okay to ask for those things.
I hate the “loss of control” feeling. I hate not knowing when I’m going to start being “good” or even simply, “okay.” But I guess for now believing that I will eventually get there is enough. I also think that I need to in some capacity be alright with the in-between stages of life. Because there are bound to be many many more. If I can learn enough how to gracefully handle these weird times, I’ll be expert by the time I reach old age (*fingers crossed*).
I’m lucky to have people who don’t just abandon me when I act like an idiot because I’m so warped and shattered inside. I’m lucky to have friends and family who constantly hold my heart and wounds and ask what more they can do.
For now, the darkness is okay…because I know there is light coming soon.
“As the rain hides the stars, as the autumn mist hides the hills, as the clouds veil the blue of the sky, so the dark happenings of my lot hide the shining of your face from me. Yet, if I may hold your hand in the darkness, it is enough, since I know that, though I may stumble in my going, you do not fall.” —-Celtic prayer
I’m thankful that God is sufficient for me and that he never falls or fails. That made me smile this morning in the car. That is a start to seeing the light. Thankfully….
1 Comment
November 3, 2009 at 12:06 am
[...] Filed under: faith — furtherdowntheroad @ 12:06 am amanda posted this recently and I thought it was heartbreakingly beautiful..and wise and true and [...]