Thankful Part II [ADD]

I saw this picture of my friend’s blog.  The quote made me really think…and it is really true.

I’m thankful though that it’s true.  As heart-breaking and unbearable the last little bit of life has been, I’m coming to a point where I need to look back and just allow those dreadful things to exist as my history, and to learn for my future.  It is entirely possible to erase someone from your everyday life, your mental space, but it’s almost impossible to erase them from your heart.  I’m beginning to recognize that that is a silly ultimate goal.  I am today because of the previous years of experience, of life lessons, of heart-ache.  I hope that over the next bit of time, I can really focus on becoming the best version of me I can.  But I think a large of part of that is fully embracing my past, present and future.

My addition, my number 22 today.  I’m thankful I’m finally starting to be alright with me.  With my painful recent past, with my discontented present, and with my seemingly unhopeful future…I’m thankful that I can begin to find glimmers of light.  I’m holding on.

Thankful Part II

Monday December 7, 2009

Today I am/was thankful for:

Again, waking up.

Waking up, wrapped in my duvet, feeling my cheeks rosy because I was so warm.

Being able to drink tea, catch up on my fav blogs, and indulge in a little quiet time.

Creating the BEST yet strawberry smoothie

Having the ability to do 2 loads of laundry.

Thinking of great people in my life while making them their amanda’s signature homemade christmas gifts.

Being able to hear music all morning.

For the little bit of snow that fell.

For my car that heats up and is able to carry me to and from work (and many places in between).

For a good-albeit sometimes hard and crazy- job that I don’t dread going to–in fact, that I really enjoy going to.

For incredible co-workers who encourage me in everything I do.

For the ability to be a little bit handy in the kitchen, enough to make a meal for the kids–although, they only like to eat oreos apparently.

For the ability to text and call good friends.

For the gift and blessing of having a great friend in Jussie–thanks for all the encouragement over the last little bit!

For the knowledge that I’m okay.

For remembering that every breath is a second chance.

For the reminder that I’m not in control…thankfully!

For a great end-of-the-day chat with my mom.

That Meg is flying in the air right now, on her way into our arms.

For the knowledge, that I can rest my head tonight knowing FULL WELL that I’m loved and not alone.

And lastly…that I don’t have to look like this for awhile….hopefully!

Single and Thankful

My pastor is doing a series entitled, “Get Over Yourself–Rebelling against a Culture of Narcissism” you can listen to it here.  Yesterday he spoke about our culture of “special” and entitlement.  The idea that because I’m a great person I deserve ____________ (fill in the blank here).  I took so much out of this talk…in fact, I’m going to have to go back and listen to it to remember everything I nodded my head in agreement to (or everything that I was shocked about…).  What I love about this series is that there are very practical ways of helping ourselves “rebel” against this selfish and self-absorbed culture.

One thing that stands out particularly was this:  Bruxy (the pastor) took a question, the question was something to the effect of, “When a friend gets dumped, and we comfort by saying, “You deserve better than him/her anyways..” how does entitlement play into that?”  Bruxy answered with a REALLY great response:  It’ s not necessarily fair to say that they deserve BETTER, just different.  That maybe that person wasn’t the best combination for that person and that God has someone else in mind to better relate to, live life with, etc.  OR maybe that person isn’t supposed to be married/dating/seeking an intimate relationship.  He mentioned that singleness never really gets encouraged, or more, even mentioned.  “Maybe you are supposed to be single for the rest of your life.”—this just isn’t said if a friend is trying to comfort a dumped friend.  I think that I really appreciated him saying this.  Not only because of my status in life right now (and possibly for a long time or forever), but because I think that so much of our culture tells us that we are NOT okay and NOT complete on our own.  I think this is especially demonstrated amongst christian circles…and to me, it’s just getting OLD.

That was a tangent, this blog really is aimed to speak to the challenge that Bruxy gave each of us.  He mentioned at the end of his talk that a study was done with university students.  The study asked a group of students to write a list every day of things they were thankful that day.  The students were asked to do this for 10 weeks.  By the end of the 10 weeks, apparently, the students demonstrated a more positive outlook on life, a desire to serve others (because they had become so aware of the things they ALREADY had), they were in better physical condition, emotional and mental states.  Crazy eh?!

Bruxy challenged us to do it for ONE week.  I decided to try this.  Especially around this Christmas season.  Especially being where I am in life, I think this could really help!

Here is the list for December 6, 2009 (yesterday):

I’m thankful:

1. that I woke up this morning.
2. that my good friends came with me to church (I hate going to church alone)
3. that Steve was born on December 6!
4. that they both made me laugh so hard, Steve said this at one point in a really enthusiastic way, “Guys, I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but I LOVE GOING TO CHURCH.” —hahaha..it made me laugh so hard.
5. that I had a car to drive to be able to pick my friends and that we were able to go to church together.
6. that I was able to make myself food to eat for lunch.
7. that I had enough time to be able to take a glorious NAP in the sunlight on my couch in the living room.
8. that I was able to wake up and go to the store to pick up some materials to make my christmas presents for people.
9. that I have the money to be able to do that.
10. that I have never had to deal with NOT having enough of ANYTHING…money, food, shelter, clothing.
11. that I was able to listen to christmas music on the radio while beginning my christmas presents–that at these moments I did not feel alone.
12. that I have a phone to be able to call a good friend to talk about life.
13. that another good friend came over to spend time together
14. that she is gracious and caring enough to cut my hair (and to make it look GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD)
15. that I have a computer to watch Glee on with her.
16. that I have a bed to crawl into with a couple blankets to keep me warm.
17. that I could HARDLY sleep because I’m so excited for one of my best to come home from Taiwan in 2 days!
18. that I began thinking about how many other GREAT friends I have.
19. that I have a wonderful family–who also make me laugh and feel sooo loved.
20. that I’m beginning to realize that I’m content where I’m at…but I’m not content to stay this way forever.

‘Tis the Season

A good friend of mine just sent me a link to this youtube video, entitled Advent Conspiracy.
As idealistic as it may seem, I think it serves a really good reminder to all of us, that we have a lot of power and privilege in our world.  What are we doing with it?!

I love in this video that it talks about giving up our time; being in relationship; and loving others.  I think when someone asks me what I want for Christmas this year, that’s going to be my answer.  I want time.  I want experiences.  I want memories.  I want better relationships.  It’s funny though, because hopefully these are things that I crave and want all year round.   Maybe at Christmas…it’s a special time to really appreciate all that we have ALREADY been given.

I’m going to try and be more mindful this season to be thankful and appreciative of everything I have already received.

Right now, I’m thankful for:

• two really great parents who would go to the wall for me, time and time again.
• so so so many wonderful friends…2 of which I’m celebrating their birth tonight…and I’m so honoured that I get to part of their lives.
• the school that I help out at…everyday I come home smiling and continue all night remembering each lesson and each kid that impacted me.
• I’m thankful that I have people who hope in me and for me. It is my prayer that I will be the same glimmer and ray of light that they have been to me, to them.
• I’m thankful for Christmas…this year, I’m really excited to be challenged in creating ways of spending time together; of loving others; and of giving gifts of memories.

SING IT OUT

If you haven’t listened to Switchfoot’s new CD, Hello Hurricane, you are missing out!  It has been playing on repeat in my car for the last week…and there is not one song that I skip!

This week has been hard, crazy, and full of mixed emotions.  While, on the one hand, I feel so sad from being hurt by someone who used to mean a lot to me, to literally driving from location to location to either work, move, or see people, to laughing and crying all within minutes of each other.  Needless to say, I’m here right now, exhausted and with feelings of bittersweet-ness.

On Friday, I was able to spend a large part of my day catching up with a really GREAT friend of mine from New Zealand.  We walked around, ate lunch, and laughed A LOT.  I took him to a legit photo-booth in the mall because he had never entered one before (how deprived, I know!) and we had soo much fun doing different poses and smiles!

Later that night, I spent some time at a wedding shower, where I was dressed as toilet paper bride, where I was able to be with incredible friends and laugh at a lot of funny things, and where I could sit beside one of my best and be so proud of her as her wedding is fast approaching (mind you—I also realized that I’m not at the point, just yet, where I can cheer for a crock-pot or be excited about bath towels), and I’m so happy for her (and her soon to be husband).  More than anything, I feel very privileged to be able to stand up with her on the glorious day of Dec 19, 2009 with many other GREAT friends in the room and share in love, commitment, and life!

I woke up early Saturday morning and spent some QT with mom and then headed to Jill and Jord’s to help them move (I ALWAYS love hanging out with these two!—they make life great and always get me rolling on the floor laughing).  I quickly booted it down to Lu’s goodbye party.  I really recognized how much I am going to miss her when she’s gone….uggggh (don’t GOOOO!).

Today, I sat with some wonderful friends in church, went and hung out with my other Lu-lu and then headed to an amazing friend’s house for breakfast-dinner and chocolate ice cream.

Why do I pause to mention all of these amazing times?!  Well:

• A) so I can remember them for a long time
• B) because, as I’ve mentioned a number of times previous to this, I’ve felt like I’m in a dark-dark tunnel, and I am just longing to find light.  The other night (as I found out some really hurtful news), my friend Cait said:  Maybe this is rock bottom…?  I hope this is it…I hope from here on out, I begin to take steps, even baby steps, towards light.  But here’s why these events and these friendships are worth mentioning:  Because I am slowly recognizing that I’m not alone.   I am definitely experiencing feelings and pain that no one can say they have gone through (because no one else in the world is me), but I have people surrounding me from all sides, reaching out their hands to hold me up, to help guide me, to help comfort me.  Some are striking matches of glimmering light and with each strike the light lasts longer and longer and slowly I’m able to regain my footing.  I’m able to hope.  This is something HUGE.

I was talking to a really great friend of mine on the phone tonight and we were discussing pain, hurt and sorrow.  I mentioned that on my car ride home tonight, I began to think about where pain and hurt even come from.  It is hard to figure out.  I mean the heart is so fragile and humans are so complex that I may never get an answer to this, but in thinking long and hard, I recognize that often it is my own dwelling, my lack of surrender and my seemingly incapable ability to ask for help and support from those around me, that cause me to stay in this state.  The funny thing is, I would NEVER go back to the way things were.  Not with the knowledge I have now.  Not with the person I am now.  BUT, how to I get my head and my heart to align at such a magnificent time and both be OKAY, I have not figured out yet.

As mentioned above, Switchfoot has been a main source of comfort and GREATNESS in my life for the last week…and here is a song that meant a lot to me today:

I’m on the run
I’m on the ropes this time
where is my song?
I’ve lost the song of my soul tonight

sing it out
sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody

sing it out
sing out-loud
I can’t the words to sing
you’d be my remedy

My song
My song
I’ll sing with what’s left of me

where is the sun?
feel like a ghost this time
where have you gone?
I need your breath in my lungs tonight

sing it out

I’m holding on
I’m holding on to you
My world is wrong
my world is a lie that’s come true
and I fall in love with the ones that run me through
when all along all I need is you

sing it out

 

My favourite line…and you MUST listen to it, here is:

“I’m holding on…I’m holding on to you. My world is wrong.  My world is a lie that’s come true and I fall in love with the ones that run me through, when all along all I need is you.”

Beauty.

 

What I’m praying/thinking tonight:

• for peace in my heart and mind.
• for hope.
• for light.
• thankful for ALL my people, for ALL the love, for the many laughs, cries, and conversations…for advice from old and new friends, for life with my people.
• that I can hold on.
• that I can be confident that all I need is you
• that life WILL go on…and that I will be OK!
• that so many people in my life who are either walking their own dark paths, or who are joining me on mine would be embraced and supported.
• that all that is left of me, would be made into a melody.

Lessons I learn from amazing teens…

Yesterday was a blah day.  The weather was rainy, cold, and crappy…I had just found out some news the night before that was both hurtful and upsetting, and I was called to work with a group of boys that were nothing short of CRAZY.

But, I dragged my lazy-ass out of bed and got ready to go to school (where I’m volunteering).  I always look forward to going to school.  I love the kids in my classes, I love the teacher that I’m learning from, I just love existing with these incredible people for 2 days every week.  Obviously, you can tell, I look forward to these 2 days every week!–yesterday morning was no different.  Especially after the news I had gotten the night before, there was nothing like walking into first period with students who seemed genuinely excited to see me.  It’s taken a few weeks for these students to realize that I’m not going anywhere, and because of that, they really respond well to me.  (Last week, I was even able to teach 3 classes on my own…it felt AMAZING).

Yesterday, I sat with a student during our prep, in the resource room.  He is from Iraq (I think!?), and he was learning how to read.  I was assigned to him to help him.  It was so amazing teaching someone how to say, “The cat is so little.  The boat is so big.”  A simple phrase like that, that we could read so quickly, took this boy awhile to get through.  I realized how hard the English language is to speak, let alone read and write, and finally UNDERSTAND.  It’s also a challenge to teach…when he asked, “why is it, one chair, but two chairs?” I tried to explain the idea of pluralizing and he kept asking why…my final answer was:  “That’s just the way it works.”  He was fairly satisfied with that response.

I also always leave school feeling excitedly exhausted.  I’m tired because it’s a long day, dealing with a lot of kids, and a lot of these kids having so many issues that they bring into the classroom.  But, I get so excited for these kids…who are learning how to read, how to draw, how to conduct scientific experiments, who are learning about genetically modified food.  I love teaching about different countries, globalization, and how what we decide now affects our future and the future of so many different people around the world.  WOW.  To leave at the end of the day, having taught every student at least one new thing, has an incredible feeling attached to it.  Mostly, because I leave at the end of the day having learned something (s) new every time I walk out the doors.

Yesterday, I talked to this one student about his world.  About what it was like to come to Canada.  He told me of his country, of he life now, of the expectations that are placed on him.  He talked to me about his family dynamics and that because he is Muslim, he needs to uphold so many of these expectations.  He talked about how, at age 15, he needs to learn how to provide for himself and live independently.  He said this because he plans to run away so that he can avoid being placed in an arranged marriage and so that he can live his girlfriend now.  He appeared stressed and concerned.  At age 15…

I walked out of the classroom during break and realized that this boy’s world seems so much more complicated then my own.  At age 15 he has things to worry about and overwhelming decisions to make.  I realized that if he can sit down with me, big smile and grateful for the time I’m taking to teach him how to read; I realized that if he can joke with me and find joy in the little things;  I realized that if he can continue to wake up every morning and face a world of decisions and consequences…so can I.

 

 

 

I can’t believe I’m posting this…

I can’t believe I’m posting this, but last night at my youth group, we had a night called “The Blend”.  This is a night where the students in the leadership group do whatever they want for the evening.  They decided to talk about something that brought  a smile to my face–God has definitely got a sense of humour–they talked about burdens and allowing God to carry our burdens.  One of the students asked us to walk into the auditorium silent.  They put this video on.  It’s a Nooma video by Rob Bell.  Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy Rob Bell…but I usually am not a HUGE fan of the Nooma videos.  But for whatever reason, this one made me cry (read: this one really hit me).  Maybe it has to do with where I’m at in my life.  Maybe I was just over-emotional yesterday.  I like to believe that it was God telling me:

I’m holding you.  I’m close to you.  I love you.  And it’s going to be okay.

I hope you can see over the potential cheesy-ness of this video, I hope you can see past the airy-pastory voice of Rob Bell, I hope that you can see a little glimmer of what I saw last night.

Growing up, I was constantly told to “cast all my cares upon God.” I can even remember as a little girl, that my favourite song was just that, “I cast all of my cares upon you.”  But how quickly do I forget that when shitty things happen?  Apparently fairly fast.
One of our youth spoke last night and he was amazing (I told him after he should be a teacher of some sort because he was so gifted at communicating), he spoke about laying our burdens down before God.  Knowing and being confident that:

1. God created the world.
2. God loves us.
3. God ALWAYS works for the good of those who love Him.

Sounds pretty easy eh?!
Hmmmm…well, although, I’m still not quite sure where this reminder leaves me, I’m confident of this:  God hears me when I pray.  God orchestrates the people around us to help us see that we are not alone.  Sometimes–as I’m sure most of those youth, and even Chris (the youth that spoke)–people have no idea how much impact they are making.

Chris left us with this passage at the end of the night and I think this will be something in my mind for awhile (at least, I hope it is!):

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. –Philippians 4:4-9

Today, I pray for peace.  I pray for gentleness and understanding.  I pray for a thankful heart.  I pray for arms embracing me and for a voice so softly and intensely whispering in my ear, “I love you.  It’s going to be okay.”

If it doesn’t break your heart, it isn’t love

 

My prayer this morning, was something I posted a while ago but continues to have meaning in my life.  It’s an old Celtic prayer:

 

“As the rain hides the stars, as the autumn mist hides the hills, as the clouds veil the blue of the sky, so the dark happenings of my lot hide the shining of your face from me.  Yet, if I may hold your hand in the darkness, it is enough, since I know that, though I may stumble in my going, you do not fall.”

I’m really thankful that even though there have been a lot of stumbles in my life, especially lately, that my God does not fall.  I was reminded yesterday that He is exists with me and in me.  He cries with me, weeps with me, mourns with me.  But He also instills in me joy, love, peace and ultimately, hope.

I think sometimes we need to love enough, to let go.  We need to love (and trust) God enough, we need to love others enough, and wholly love ourselves enough to let go of whatever it may be that you are holding so tightly to.  I love this song by Switchfoot, Enough to Let go.  In the song it says this:

If it doesn’t break your heart, it isn’t love.

And I think that’s true.

I think I’m beginning to realize that holding on, continually creates walls and bars around you and your heart, excluding yourself from all the loving relationships you know exist around you.

Again, I think this is much easier to say, type and think then it is to actually do.  I recognize in my life and hurt over the last little while, that I have definitely become a prisoner to my own pain.  It’s hard to let that go.  It’s hard  to let people in.  It’s hard to know who wants to be let in.

I hope someday, sooner rather than later, I love enough to let go.  That my brokenness is just evidence of love.  And that that love produces freedom, healing and redemption.

 

 

Big Toe Pains

Today my pastor said something rather insightful.

We are in a fascinating series called Get Over Yourself at TMH.  The last two weeks have been really challenging to me about this culture of narcissism.

Here’s what I took today:

Bruxy talked about that when someone in the body, in our community is suffering, or experiences pain…we should all be carrying that burden and feeling that pain.

He used the example of stubbing your toe.  When this painful experience happens, the rest of your body doesn’t respond saying:

Well, that was all your fault…there’s not much I can do.  You’re the only one feeling that.

Instead the body responds in entirety saying,

Ouch, ohhhhhhhhh I feel the pain.

Your head, heart, even physically your body automatically experiences the pain and responds to it.  Because the toe is a part of the body. And the body experiences pain, just like it experiences benefits and joys.

So the same thing should be with community.  With our people.  We are to be one body, who shares in our pain, cares for us, is sensitive to the painful experiences.  Just as the physical body responds to the stubbed toe, we need to respond to the body by carrying each other’s burdens.  This, THIS, is loving others before ourselves.

 

I realized that I’m pretty sucky at 2 things:

1. letting people know that I’m in pain.
2. allowing people to help carry my burden.

One really great friend of mine this week called me and said something beautiful and I think it’s fitting for this topic.  We discussed how I’ve been feeling and that I feel surrounded by darkness.  I’m surrounded by darkness and I just want to see light.  There are moments of seeing it, but I have NO IDEA how to get there.  And my friend, Steve, didn’t say:

I know what you’re going through.  I’ve been there.  I totally understand what you are going through.

Because ultimately, if he had said any of those things it would not be true.  Instead he said this:

I don’t know what to say.  But I want to help you in anyway I can find light.

And, isn’t that beautiful?! Hearing that someone wants to stick out life with you?!  Although, it didn’t make me feel instantaneously better, for a moment I felt okay.  I felt loved.  I felt known. And I felt cared about.  My friend was willing to hold my burden and experience the pain of my stubbed big toe.

Thank you!

What I learned from a 3 year old…

 

Last week I had the amazing privilege of hanging out with a three year old named Noah, all day!  It made me miss the days of holding babies and laughing with them.

What I learned from Noah though,and I believe why Jesus tells us we need to become like little children to enter the kingdom, is that we MUST live in the moment in order to enjoy life.

At one point in the day, we were playing with play-dough and Noah kept asking me to cut out different coloured elephants.  I said to Noah:

Noah, when we are done playing with play-dough, we can go for a walk and then come home and have lunch.

I was telling Noah this because I wanted to make sure he was okay with the day we had planned.  Noah responded saying:

No thank you, I just want to play with this.  Can you cut one out with yellow?

[only not in CLEAR English--he is only 3!]

I explained to Noah that we can play with play-dough until he gets bored and then we can go on a walk and eat lunch.  He responded again,

I just want to play.

I realized then that he couldn’t get past playing with the play-dough, he couldn’t get past having fun and why we would have to give that up?  I realized that he loved and reveled in the moment.  It became evident to me, that this is how we all should be, well, me specifically.

I shouldn’t worry so much about what is to come, about my future, about my career, my marital status, or where I will end up.  Because ultimately, planning things out,  thinking too hard, gets in the way of cutting out different coloured elephants.

Last night, I went and celebrated 2 very good friends of mine getting married!  It was a great experience and a lot fun.  I love dancing and I love being with people who are of the same min and celebrating important people.

I wondered if I would ever have my day of celebrating love.  This morning I woke up really early and began thinking (again!—about life) and I realized that I don’t want to be someone who takes one day to celebrate love, I want every day to be about celebrating love, even in its smallest capacity.

Today I prayed.  For these things:

• that my two friends would have a wonderful life together, filled with love, commitment and God.
• that I’m thankful for friends who sit with me in church, go out for benny’s breakfast and make me laugh, really hard!  For dancing partners and really really FUN friends.  For being able to laugh and enjoy myself even though I still feel darkness.
• I pray for light…I pray for hope…I pray for peace.
• I pray for my world and all those involved in it.
• Thank you. Help Me. Please.